this is the stuff of susie(’s)

Just kidding! Burritos are actually an American-born product, a streamlined to-go snack created in the 1840s in the Southwest: meat wrapped in a flour tortilla. My meatless version is a tastier take on this classic Southwest sandwich.

Just kidding! Burritos aren’t sandwiches after all! Or are they…? Via Dictionary.com:

sand·wich, n.
1. Two or more slices of bread with a filling such as meat or cheese placed between them.
2. A partly split long or round roll containing a filling.
3. One slice of bread covered with a filling.
tor·til·la, n.
A thin disk of unleavened bread made from masa or wheat flour and baked on a hot surface.

Thus burrito = sandwich according to internet dictiomonarians + me. Now that this matter is settled with a simple equation, let me continue with the eats.

1. Fry up some firm tofu + turmeric in oil. Don’t get the turmeric on your shirt because it will stain yellow and you will look like an idiot who got turmeric on their shirt, and no one wants that.
2. Fry up some cut up potatoes + onion + bell pepper in oil. Don’t burn your hand on the pan and then disregard the burn because you’re trying to act tough even though it hurts like hell and it’s red and blistering because that’s some second degree shit, there, man, and that’s not cool at all.
3. Fry up some fakin bacons in oil. Be careful. I stress this with italics.
4. Toast a whole wheat tortilla on the stove burner. When this invariably sets off your smoke alarm, wave at it frantically with a crappy Spin magazine. Discard this in paper recycling when finished. Thanks, Spin!
5. Chop tomato and slice bits from enormous Reed avocado.
6. On plate, bottom to top: tortilla, tofu, potatoes, bacons, tomato, avocado, sweet pea sprouts, tofu sour cream, tiny sombrero.

Done!

I like Anthropologie; like, I likelike Anthropologie. But I’m kind of cheapcareful with money, so I mostly just go there to ogle all the over-priced, well-designed stuff, and/or to play the “How much does it cost?” game, which really never gets old. Really! — just guess how much this shirt costs.

Anyway, I realize this is kind of absurd, especially considering my lowwell-managed income, but it’s a fun distraction from time to time. And at least I am not like Jade from Jersey, who blogs at Craving Anthropologie. From her site:

An obsession, have to have it, definitely want to live there! A gal who spends way too many lunch hours at Anthropologie — browsing, making my wish list, inspired, charmed, teased, of course I have to leave with something.. anything!

I love it when other people’s idosyncracies overshadow mine — it makes me feel so normal.

So apparently about 6% of adults shop compulsively, though probably not all at Anthropologie, or else they could make that shit a little more affordable — they must be Craving Urban Outfitters, or Old Navy.

So as you can tell from those cookies, I’m not so great at the cooking thing. And things haven’t so much improved, despite much practice (another round of biscuit cookies, and a mushy apple “crisp.” I assure you all these things taste fabulous, (and you should not judge a dessert by its crust) but they still look like they were made by kindergarteners. Which is why I have returned to my first love of sandwiches.

This is the sandwich I made today. It was really hard to eat. They usually are. I suggest wrapping the bottom half in foil or paper napkin/towel so as to not spill the contents on your lap, since you’re clearly not doing laundry very often lately.

1. Toast bagel. (I used whole wheat - pumpernickel, poppy or sesame would also be tasty with this).

2. Fry up three to four pieces of facons with some olive oil until browned and crispy.

3. On one half of bagel: spread about 1/4 of a Reed avocado, top with one piece lettuce, two slices tomato, and a handful of snow pea sprouts.

4. Other half: a thick squirt of Miso Mayo (vegenaise/spicy mustard would also be acceptable) and the bacon strips.

5. Smash together.

6. Have a way difficult time eating.

7. Feel uncomfortably full.
This sandwich will taste even better if eaten while listening to George Allen’s concession speech. Mmm, I love the smell of pseudo-democracy in the afternoon.